my my hey hey (out of the blue)
October 21, 2010
I stood on the top deck of that water taxi watching the shrinking glimmering skyline as it pulled out from the pier. The wind is whipping cool around the edges of my face, the dying sun is bleeding orange into the sky and I was wondering nothing and nothing and nothing. And I felt nothing and nothing and nothing.
Well I suppose, I felt complacement. Satisfaction? No, an ambivalence to life that is afforded to someone who has given up on the notion of entitlement. I was not entitled to the possession of her affections; that’s why she left me. I am not entitled to the possession of her affections; that’s why she stopped feeling anything for me.
Affection from someone is a privilege. And as with all privileges, they can be given and taken without a moment’s notice. I will never understand the driving impetus of their actions, and I never will. Being left is hard, and the leaving seems easy. We take what is handed to us with a spoon full of bitter vinegar, angry at why people could have done this you, never once thinking that your own ego was lucky to have found the privilege of their affections in the first place.
I don’t feel the anger anymore. But sometimes waking up in the morning becomes a battle of self-pity when everything comes rushing in with a malicious need for revenge and destruction. Horrible, horrible, horrible.
So I watch as acceptance comes to me slowly just as the dusk swallows the sun. The moon, crescent and glowing half as bright still proudly taking it’s rightful place in the night sky. The glittering twinkle that laces the buildings of the financial district. The shiny airplane dots that take the place of stars. And the tiny glimmer of hope that starts to flicker once again in me.
